If Politician's Ran the War in Omega Land
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: A satirical look at war and foriegn policy in our time, as seen through the prism of the Advanced Wars universe. Serious...I think. Who say's political satire and FanFics don't mix?


**Yes, you read right. This is indeed a work of modern political satire, specifically concerning war and foreign policy, written in the form of a Fanfic. If politics isn't your thing stop reading right now and save yourself the time and effort; there's nothing in here for you. If you are both a fan of Advanced Wars AND someone who cares about matters of global importance, keep reading. **

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Advanced Wars. Furthermore, the namesakes of any real life figures used in this work are intended for satirical purposes only and are not to be cited as sources of character defamation. **

**If Politicians Ran the War In Omega Land…**

"This is it," said Rachel. "The final battle; once we destroy the Grand Bolt, the war will finally be over and peace will return to Omega Land. My troops will assault the black crystals to the north and bring down the shield generators protecting that disgusting thing. Now all we need is a commander for the main front."

"Let me do it Rachel!" said Jake. "Between our HQ and the Grand Bolt there's nothing but open plains. I'm the best CO for the job. Just give me a base of operations, some funding, a reasonable number of soldiers, and a little bit of moral support. I'll take care of the rest."

"Actually," said a grumpy old man who none of the other COs had ever seen before "I'm in charge of this operation."

"Um, who are you again?" said Rachel.

"What, you've never heard of me? My names John K. and I'm pretty much the smartest military genius in the history of the world. I served in Vietnam. People say I'm full of myself, but they don't know what they're talking about. Anyways, I'm here to take command of your armies. My orders come directly from Allied Nations HQ. Did I mention I served in Vietnam? I won a medal you know."

"That's nice…I guess…" said Rachel rather unenthusiastically. Honestly she didn't care about John K.'s record of service in any past war; she just wanted a winning strategy for the war she was currently fighting. "So, what's your plan for taking out the Grand Bolt and winning the war against Black Hole."

"Yeah, winning, about that…" said CO John K. "I don't think we can win this war. Furthermore, I believe the war itself is fundamentally wrong because we're fighting for a lie. Everyone knows the only reason we're fighting Von Bolt is because Nell is a lying thieving bitch who just wants to steal Black Hole's oil. I'm thinking it would probably be for the best if we just cut our losses, gave the good people of Black Hole their country back, and strategically redeploy back to Macro World. I think we can all agree that given our current situation, it's the best course of action."

Obviously, Rachel was not pleased with her new CO's assessment of the war. "Let me get this straight. You want us to surrender to Black Hole, abandon the war effort in Omega Land, and retreat with our tail between our legs?"

"No, No, No! we're not surrendering or retreating. We're strategically redeploying." explained CO John K.

"That's the exact same thing!" yelled Rachel. This guy was really starting to piss her off.

"No its not," said CO John K., as though his unproven point was the most obvious fact in the world and he couldn't believe anyone would dare say otherwise. "Surrender and redeployment are completely different."

"How so?"

"Redeployment sounds better."

"…"

"That's a very important difference!"

"…."

"Don't you be questioning my patriotism woman! I served in Vietnam, what have you ever done for your country?"

"Okay, you know what, I've had just about enough of you. I'm giving command of the main front back to Jake, and there's no way in hell I'm signing on to your crazy ass plan for surrender or redeployment or whatever the hell you're calling it. And I don't give two shits that you fought for your country decades ago, that doesn't change the fact that what you're doing now is despicable and is undermining OUR troops in a time of war. Now get the hell out of here before Hawke goes Black Storm on your ass."

The majority of COs agreed with Rachel, and made it known in no uncertain terms that they thought John K.'s plan for "strategic redeployment" was a terrible idea. But John K. wouldn't take no for an answer. Instead of going along with the war effort, instead of supporting Jake and his troops in their efforts to defeat Black Hole, CO John K. got together with his power hungry buddies from a far away land called Washington D.C. and attempted to make Jake and Rachel look like fools by sabotaging their war effort. The politician's tampering first became apparent when Jake attempted to use his COM towers. Instead of improving communication and increasing firepower, the towers now espoused perverse propaganda that had a crippling effect on troop moral and drastically lowered their productivity. Jake's troops were constantly told that the war was unwinnable, that they were fighting for a lie, and that the people of their homeland no longer supported the war. Whenever Black Hole pulled off a successful strike against the Allied Nations, the COM towers projected gruesome images from the scene of the attack. The towers rarely if ever showed Allied Nation victories. Black Hole listened to the enemy's propaganda and grew bold. They now knew that they didn't have to hit Jake hard, they just had to hit him over and over again while the propaganda took its toll and the Allied Nation's grew restless.

As the battle progressed more aspects of sabotage became apparent. Jake learned that these devious saboteurs from Washingon D.C. were attempting to cut off his funding. How was he supposed to win a war without funding? That was one of the four things he absolutely needed, the other three being bases, soldiers, and moral support. And they had already taken away his moral support. What next? Would they try to take away his army?

Eventually, that's exactly what happened. The saboteurs from Washington D.C. took away Jake's bases and his soldiers, and Black Hole won the War. Von Bolt conquered Omega Land and spread death and tyranny throughout the land. The allied Nations were utterly humiliated and were never again trusted by their fellow nations. But to this day if you ask any of the COs who fought against Von Bolt, they will tell you the war was winnable, but for the work of the saboteurs in the far away land of Washington D.C. If not for their political posturing and their treasonous antics, the Grand Bolt would have been destroyed and Black Hole would have been defeated.

Such is the nature of war in our time.


End file.
